The Quest for Thin

   This tide I am always fighting against...this constant nagging to be thin is being conquered. I have lost nine pounds since last Monday...One week...

   I hope I can keep it up...Look like a Holocaust survivor...A goal I have always had...There is something refreshing to me about a body that tortures me. Maybe that torture proves my existence, in the sense that it is the only thing I feel. I don't love (we are talking outside my daughter here...just to make that clear), there is no man that sets butterflies to flight in my stomach...no man I am trying to please or get the attention of. I haven't been angry because right now there is nothing worth that emotion, or any other.

   All I have is the hunger, the reminder that I am winning in something. I am learning in school, but that is an endurance test too, and if I master the body, which has urges of its own, then I will excel in the other regions of my life.

   The futility of my relationship, if you could call it that, has driven me to revive old habits that will help me become closer to the person I want...and if it kills me...then, so what, I have still won. Either way, I am the victor...

Tomorrow marks a triumph...

   Remember back to high school, when you would keep checking the clock and the hands never moved...Then you graduate and get a job, have kids, whatever that path may bring and you snap and the time is gone? I feel like the sand is slipping far too fast through the hourglass.

   My daughter turns 8 tomorrow...AGH! It is a triumph that we made it this far, yet I am nostalgic for the days when she was first learning to walk and talk...God knows she doesn't sit or shut up anymore...LOL.

    Time is rushing by me, but my daughter is gorgeous and funny, smart and silly, just all of the things children should be. I have always said and still maintain that had God handed me a book and told me to choose everything about my Ky, I couldn't have made her more perfect than she is.

   And no, I am not getting all religious on you...

Just One of Those Days

   So, went to bed last night at 2:20 a.m. due to the fact that I am in school and had to finish my homework. Set the alarm clock for 6 a.m. Couldn't fall asleep because the kitty was sleeping and sneezing on me, my allergies and sinuses are seriously f**ked up. Alarm goes off, I reset. G woke me up at 8:40 (Ky has to be at school at 8:30) and I had one more assignment to finish. I freaked, got Ky ready, called the school and told them I overslept, ran outside to get her backpack and there was this FREEZING rain soaking me, needless to say, I was late for Psych...grumpy, but got my assignments turned in.

  

    My mom made me laugh though...she was telling me about people from HS with kids and who were getting married-a few shocked me...Oh well, not my problem. Then when I said I wasn't the normal 24 year-old, she asked me to define normal...I missed the sarcasm and so went on explaining. She finally let me know that she was playing...Guess it is time to dye my hair- those damn blonde roots really get me in trouble...

My Lie (April 10, 2007)

My only lie is the silence I hide behind.

I have some things to say to you...

YOU CAN DIG THE DAGGERS INTO MY BACK-

BUT BEWARE-

I DIG THEM OUT MYSELF.

I remember every word you say

And they kill me every time I replay them in my mind.

I know no one cares, but I hope you

Remember that when I finally leave.

I gave up a long time ago-

But you still believed in the fight

So I show you what you want to see.

I'll pop diet pills until they kill me-

I do truly want to look like a Holocaust survivor.

If you do love me-I'd never believe it.

I can't accept it from you

When no one else has been able to care.

I can only blame myself for the hardships in my life-

But I can't forgive myself.

I wish I had the strength to kill myself-

Alas, I'm scared to death to die-

Even though I can't stand to be alive.

I have NO plans for my life.

I say things that sound nice

So you will believe in me-

Cuz I can't.

I feign confidence so people will think

That I am immune to their insults-

But I take each one to heart.

I have NEVER thought about planning a wedding,

But I know EXACTLY how my funeral should go.

I have never been in a fist fight-

But I want to beat the shit out of someone

Just to feel their bones crush

Under the sheer power of my rage.

I feel the need to demolish a room full of glass and mirrors.

OK, that is all I feel like typing...and now you know all the secrets from 2007 stand point...What are some things you hide because you feel you will be judged? Let's get the conversation rolling...

Why Silence? (A Song I wrote February 22, 2007)

Living a life of fabrication-

Reinventing daily the person you have come to know-

Because I'm worthless, I'm disposable.

Recklessly subdued,

Hiding behind my delicate wall

To ensure I don't step on your toes.

Why Silence?

I choke on the words that threaten my sanity,

Swallow them as to save you from the shocking truth.

I'm dying-

My silence about to become a shameful permanence.

The immediacy of the predicament

Leaves me reeling in agony.

A statement of the obvious

Does nothing when you will not hear me.

Why Silence?

It crushes the vitality begging to break through.

Unspoken travesties do not heal with time-

They fester and multiply...

Your cliche' antidotes do not remedy my malfunctions.

Why Silence?

Yell, scream, weep, but do not stifle my voice.

I'd rather you crush me under your fist

Than make me live in the strained hush of your void.

Why Silence?

I choke on the words that threaten my sanity,

Swallow them as to save you from the shocking truth.

I'm dying-

My silence about to become a shameful permanence.

Why Silence?

Your divergence from the truth

Is torturing the humanity in me.

Welcome Everyone...

   My mind is a random place of fact versus fiction, politics versus religion...Some posts will be playful, and some will be passionate...No matter whether you disagree or agree-I hope that everyone that reads can refrain from making personal attacks and understand that this is a zone where freedom of speech and thought create great discussions.

   Every now and then I will give you some poetry and short stories to enjoy, and I do want real critiques and opinions. And sometimes you won't know if it is fiction or non-fiction, and I may not always reveal the genre. I can't wait to get started just wanted to have an opener for any readers as we are starting this new and fresh together!

   I am a pretty open book, so any questions may be asked...

   Let the games begin...