This tide I am always fighting against...this constant nagging to be thin is being conquered. I have lost nine pounds since last Monday...One week...
I hope I can keep it up...Look like a Holocaust survivor...A goal I have always had...There is something refreshing to me about a body that tortures me. Maybe that torture proves my existence, in the sense that it is the only thing I feel. I don't love (we are talking outside my daughter here...just to make that clear), there is no man that sets butterflies to flight in my stomach...no man I am trying to please or get the attention of. I haven't been angry because right now there is nothing worth that emotion, or any other.
All I have is the hunger, the reminder that I am winning in something. I am learning in school, but that is an endurance test too, and if I master the body, which has urges of its own, then I will excel in the other regions of my life.
The futility of my relationship, if you could call it that, has driven me to revive old habits that will help me become closer to the person I want...and if it kills me...then, so what, I have still won. Either way, I am the victor...
